Agraba: 63 Errol Street North Melbourne

Having booked to visit this place with a group of friends, I thought I better give it a go first to make sure the $40pp set menu was worth it (it is obligatory for groups of 8 or more). I'm glad I did as the food was really disappointing and I would have been embarrassed to bring my friends here.

The highlight of my meal was the hummus, which was creamy and good. Everything else was bland or just plain bad. The malfouf (spiced minced lamb in cabbage leaves) smelled like feet when they put in on the table and it didn't taste much better either. The lamb skewer from the lunch platter was overcooked, something you will hear me say rarely as I love well done meat. The pickles lacked flavour, I seriously don't know how they managed that, and the falafels did not taste good at all (you would certainly not be willing to die with one of these babies in your hand). Even the char grilled cauliflower was under cooked and flavourless. To top it off, the loubia (green beans in olive oil, coriander and tomato) tasted like nothing. This is one of my favourite Lebanese dishes. If I had of tried it here for the first time I would never have bothered trying it again.

We were the only ones in the restaurant at 2:30pm on a Saturday. I don't know how this place got into the Good Food Guide. Sure, it has a good atmosphere and the drinks are cheap (I can recommend the homemade limonada with a shot of vodka and the Almaza beer) but you go to a restaurant to eat and the food is not even worth finishing. For shame people, for shame. Having grown up with a lot of Lebanese friends I can guarantee you their mums would shake their head or release a tirade about the inadequacy of the place.

Thumbs down, don't do it to yourself.

Jimmy Grants: Melbourne Emporium Lonsdale Street

Jimmy Grants brings you souvlakis from George Calombrais of Master Chef fame. The souvlaki at Melbourne Emporium is way way way above the general quality of a food court venue (although I'm biased on this issue, I'm not a fan of food court 'food'). The meat is slow cooked, well seasoned and tasty. The wrap is finished off in the wood fire, giving it that extra dash of goodness. The only thing is, I want salad instead of chips. Salad adds freshness and balances out meat, making you enjoy it all that much more. But, for $12, it's still a reasonably good deal. Having been to George's restaurant Gazi I can tell you the quality is the same. You are just miss out on the dining experience.

Still... I'd actually prefer the souvaki at King Jon's near Melbourne Central (185 King St Melbourne) or at the Real Greek Souvlaki Bar in Fitzroy (315 Brunswick St Fitzroy).

One tick, done dusted, thank you very much.

Ovest: 572 Barkly Street West Footscray

Ovest is my local pizzeria, within walking distance of my house. When I first moved here I thought I had died and gone to foodie heaven. The pizza was perfect, the atmosphere lively and they offer a range of yummy high quality spirits and craft beers. 

Nine months later, the top notch drinks menu remains but the food quality has slipped. The toppings have become miserly and the flavours lacklustre. I don't know if they have a new chef or they just can't cope with the volume but I have voted with my feet and moved on to L'Uccellino in Yarraville.

Downgraded from three to one stars. Sadly no longer worthy of the good food guide.   

Tina's Noodle Kitchen: 352 High Street Preston

As soon as Tina's Noodle Kitchen opened, it got a write up from the good food folks so I thought I would get ahead of the curve and try it out the weekend it opened. 

Even at 3:30pm on a stinking hot Saturday the place was packed. The smells were divine and there was a great ambiance to the place. I just can't say nice things about the food. 

Lovely flavours but the pork buns were too doughy (making bread the dominant flavour) and the spicy stewed beef noodle soup had things in it I did not want to see. I don't know what they were - ligaments, tendons, something else? but what ever it was, I wish it wasn't there. I had a little peek in the kitchen on my way back from the bathroom and the other meat looked the same and even though it was slow cooked, the beef chunks I did eat were chewy. Not nice. 

I spoke to the Asian diners on the two tables adjacent to me (I'm weird like that) and they loved it but it just wasn't my cup of tea. 

One tick. If I could have the broth with noodles and vegetables I would consider returning but it wasn't an option on the menu, especially considering the meat and egg free options were very limited. 

Whatever that is, it is meant to be meat - eew

M Yong Tofu (formerly The Grand Tofu Flemington): 314 Racecourse Road Flemington

There is nothing grand about this place. I visited just after the restaurant changed hands and sadly it is one of those places that was likely ruined by the new owners. 

The food was over processed rubbish. It was not vegan friendly. Nearly all the tofu was stuffed with eggs or fish and the food was just bland. I dumped a whole bunch of chilli oil in my curry soup and tofu dishes and it didn't help. Stay away. Find somewhere else to satisfy your needs - Yong Green Food is great if you're looking for mock meat or tofu options done exceptionally well. 

One tick/thumbs down. 

1+1 Mandarin Dumpling Restaurant: 84 Hopkins Street Footscray

Not fussy eater friendly. 

The pork dumplings have egg in them (why?!), so do the vegetable dumplings though they made me some specially without egg. They were a greasy bland let down. So were the other two dishes we ordered, so much so that it was not even worth remembering what they were. 

The restaurant also had a grubby feel, which as I've mentioned I'll ignore if the food is good. 

One tick/thumbs down. Don't waste your time or calories. 

8bit: 8 Droop St Footscray

Nothing to see here, move along. 

I could eat nothing but the fries. Major disappointment. Major! Especially since so many people rave about this place. 

The burger buns have egg, so do most of the sauces, what doesn't have egg has dairy. Senor Gringo told me I wasn't missing out, *cough* OMG this is fantastic, sucks to be you *cough.* I walked away disappointed. The staff were really apologetic about it but I wanted to have a tantrum like a five year old who has just been told they can't have dessert before dinner. 

Celiacs are equally excluded. Life is hard. The food world sucks. I may be sulking. 

One tick. Don't tell me it's good, I don't want to hear it. 

Bierkeller: 306 Bridge Road Richmond

After great joy, comes great disappointment. 

Inspired by Octoberfest, Senor Gringo and I headed to an Austrian restaurant in Richmond for dinner with friends. As you may have guessed by now I love pickles, fermented foods and processed and cured meats (sausages, salami, bacon & the like) and even though I have to be careful to avoid dairy, German and Austrian restaurants can be comfort food heaven. 

I ordered the weisswurst with sauerkraut, horseradish, mustard and bread (the other sausages were not fussy eater friendly), Senor Gringo ordered the pork schnitzel with cranberry sauce and a size of fries, accompanied by a stein of dark beer for him and a schnapps for me. 

Everything was disappointing. My weisswurst was boiled and flavourless and there wasn't enough mustard and horseradish to improve it (with these accompaniments being similarly dull); Senor Gringo's portions were ample but the food was so lackluster he didn't want to eat it all (does a schnitzel really need to be plate sized?). My schnapps was on the acidic side and not in a pleasant way - it reminded me of stealing the booze my parents had on the side table throughout my teen years (they clearly didn't drink it for a reason). And Senor Gringo's beer wasn't anything he would order again. 

Our friends said their food was similarly meh. Good atmosphere but in my humble opinion they have focused on looks and portion size at the expense of taste. Although perhaps I am just not the target audience - those massive parma places attract a certain kind of crowd. 

One tick. I suggest they visit the Rhinedorf in Beverly Hills NSW if they ever get the chance - now that places knows good food! 

Threefold: 381 Flinders Lane Melbourne

Being a Sydney-ite originally, I can't help but think of things in the context of home. Threefold would fit very well into The Rocks or Darlinghurst; they serve food that is a cross between what you would expect at an old school bar or upmarket cafe. Nothing offensive or risque but all very good quality and locally sourced.

The Good Food Guide has this place pegged as a destination for a working lunch, with main meals that have French leanings. There are ample home made cakes, tarts and pastries on display. A few rich and hearty salads (not fussy eater friendly), toasties, sandwiches and home made pies.

I ordered a tomato salami toastie with mustard and even though it came on very white bread (the bane of my life) it was still very good. Senor Gringo ordered a steak sandwich with relish and a side of green beans and salad (coated in butter and therefore off limits to the likes of me).

My meal left me wanting a cider and an afternoon nap, although that is possibly because this is the sort of meal I would have on the odd occasion, in a beer garden somewhere. The price was very reasonable considering the quality (less than $30 for two people) and I would say it would appeal to a wide variety of people, though possibly not the fussiest of eaters (I am not sure celiacs could eat here, nor vegans, though there are vegetarian options).

One tick. Good but not what I really seek in a lunch venue. It would suit my dad or his generation more.

  

Brim CC: 601 Little Collins Street Melbourne

Brim CC is a super packed Japanese fusion place near Southern Cross Station and I mean super packed - the line is often out the door.

You'll forgive me then for feeling disappointed. The food is pretty, organic and has just as many options for vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters alike, but I found it lacking in oomph. No amazing flavours. Everything was muted. If this was near my work, I would go there occasionally simply because its organic and better than many processed food venues but I didn't love it. Purple peanut is better and right round the corner at 620 Collins Street. If you don't like strong flavours and you are in the area, than this is probably the place for you.

We ordered two bento boxes to share - the Tokyo bento and the vegetarian special. The Tokyo bento had three rice balls (which is a bit much thanks - one would have been fine), a hamburger steak meatball and potato salad (both contained egg), grilled eggplant and tofu with miso paste (not bad but I've had much better) and sauteed carrots. All very gum-able. I imagine this is what a child or an old person would eat for dinner. As I said, very mild flavours and I didn't try the meatball but it looked unappetising.

The Vegetarian Special I would go so far as to call bland. It contained a small dish of soy beans in a tomatoey type sauce, cold tofu with a tiny bit of carrot dressing (it would have been completely flavourless without the dressing), a random pile of diced tomato with nothing on it (??), grilled pumpkin (which offered some natural flavour), traditional cucumber pickles (thankfully - I love pickles) and sweet daikon (it was meant to be sweet and salty but wasn't).

The most popular lunch choice is the combo - mix and match soup, salad and rice with curry. The soups seemed fairly random for a Japanese fusion place - Russian borscht, French sausages and veggies, vegetarian ginger and carrot and Hungarian goulash with gnocchi. The curries were more of what you would expect - katsu, Tokyo style beef curry and Tokyo chicken and tomato.

Apart from the abundance of rice, the food is pretty healthy and does offer a nice alternative to other options but it is for those with a very mild palate. I love bold flavours so I won't be returning but I do recognise everyone is different and clearly this place is popular so it must be filling a void.

One tick.

Cafe Vue: 430 Little Collins Street Melbourne

This place is exactly the kind of place my former boss (a barrister) would have taken me. Even on a Friday the place was packed with solicitors and business types, which figures as it is within easy walking distance of three courts and the Law Institute.

The menu is dominated by smoked trout, confit duck, wagyu beef and classics such as curried egg and watercress sandwiches, homemade pies, chicken salad and grilled barramundi, you get the picture.

I feel bad for saying this is definitely not the place for me, as they clearly try hard to cater for fussy eaters, but their clientele is clearly above all suits and their strange food preferences that I will never understand.

Feeling uninspired, I ordered a salad, which was $14 for a bunch of leaves, cucumber shavings and a mild dressing. The waitress did warn me but I didn't want a salad sandwich (the clearly marked vegan option) or meat minus everything that adds flavour (mayo, cheese and cream were on everything else).

Senor Gringo ordered a lunch box with a bite sized wagyu beef burger, dahl, a sliver of stiff roti, Indian dip and a tiny cake. Everything was cold. Stone cold. Not just it has been left sitting there for five minutes while the waiter rushed about but we never intended for this to be warm. Weird. Senor Gringo didn't enjoy his food and he was still hungry so we both headed off to work disappointed and in search of something quick before we got on with work.

I wondered how they made it into the Good Food Guide.

If you do go here, the wait staff are lovely and you will be well taken care of.

One tick.  

Coconut House: 449 Elizabeth Street Melbourne

I have been here twice. The first time just by chance as I was headed to the Queen Victoria Markets. The second time with a group of 20. The first time the laksa was pretty damn fantastic - hot, spicy, creamy and very filling. I was pleasantly satisfied.

The second time my laksa was too creamy, luke warm and had hardly any veggies. I asked for extra spice - maybe some fresh chilli or chilli oil but the waitress (who clearly heard me) walked away and didn't come back. My friends meals were hit and miss, some great, some below average and oily.

Overall message, you may go and be very satisfied or disappointed. Probably depends on the night and how busy it is. Large groups never helps matters either.

One tick

Bar Nacional: 727 Collins Street Docklands

Early on in our Melbourne journey we visited Bar Nacional on a Friday night. There was a live band, lots of people and a really good vibe. We ordered cocktails and a bunch of tapas items as from other tables it was evident the dishes were small.

I took the risky road and made assumptions about what was/was not safe for me to eat as the wait staff were really busy and we had already waited 25 minutes to be served, meaning I didn't want to mess around with questions about the menu (I had tried to order at the counter and see if staff close to the kitchen could help me but I was told to go back and someone would come to take my order shortly).

We ordered olives, marinated pickles, patatas bravas, a charcutrie plate and chorizo with octopus for Senor Gringo. I ate the proscuitto and bresaola but the bread was clearly the Barossa bread 'bark' with lots of yummy things that leave me feeling awful. Therefore, just the meat for me (tiny portion for $16 may I add). The patatas bravas were covered in aoili, not a spicy tomato sauce like I was expecting and the marinated pickles were just pickled garlic cloves, weird. Senor Gringo liked his food a lot, said my patatas bravas were excellent and his octopus was divine but alas we will not be going back to eat there.

If you have food intolerances like me, save this place for the cocktails, music and the atmosphere. Its best on Friday nights as like a lot of places in the Docklands, it can be very quiet on weekends.

One tick. Sad result. I will get my patatas bravas somewhere, I'm sure of it!

I left hungry but I googled 'best souvlaki docklands' and I wound up at King Jon's near Southern Cross Station: 175 King St. The place looks really dodgy and King Jon is slow and ancient but it is the best damn souvlaki I've had yet - the meat was so flavoursome even without the garlic sauce and he had bread with no dairy. King Jon saved my evening, for which I am forever grateful. Plus, Senor Gringo got to go home with a partner that wasn't hangry, of which I'm sure he was relieved :)